Elizabeth and I are totally baffled as to why Despair.com has yet to hire us. Personally, I think we have some really great material here. Oh well, maybe we'll start our own website. Depression.com--handled with carelessness and sealed with a kick in the pants. Has a nice ring to it, eh? Anyways, here's a sampling of our quotes:
Revenge: when life gives you lemons, throw them at the people who hurt you
Competition: when you can't beat 'em, use a stick--it helps a lot
Politeness: because you're too much of a sucker to say no
Friendship: just because people are nice to you, doesn't mean that deep down inside they want to rip your guts out
Disease: some things really are better to give than to receive
Conspiracy: two bitter minds, endless possibilites

*disclaimer: we are not really as bitter as this post appears, we are just most creative when bitter*